If you stay together, you’ll be Not My Father for years.
Adding him to the mix creates a new layer of complexity—with no easy wins.
So, when she says her ex has him for the night, consider it excellent news. The timeline on real-life offspring will likely be age-dependent: Babies have no idea you exist. Show kindness and a semblance of liking kids—but don’t go overboard or kiss her munchkin’s ass. Even with modern fertility science, all tadpoles come with some sort of father.
Note: This doesn’t mean sex will happen at her place. Talk to him as if he were your boss’s wife or a dental assistant. Chances are there will be four parties in this relationship: you, her, her kid—and the Birth Father.
The single parent dilemma is felt the hardest by the children, and as a product of such a household I am lucky enough to have this insight in my dating life.
Many guys just don’t know how to deal with a child that isn’t theirs and it becomes immediately evident to the child, even when the mom is disillusioned into thinking that the guy is perfect.
Once you’re knee-deep in intimacy with her, ask for an intro.
Then use pickups and drop-offs as casual getting-to-know opps or to diffuse any drama.
You’re going to want to hug them and bond with them, but it’ll be better if you relax and hang back. I had already fallen in love with their father, so what would I do if they didn’t like me? “He’s a director,” I told my friend L., absently fiddling with the lighter in my hand. Because my own parents are divorced, I know what it’s like when Dad has a girlfriend.Wait for them to come to you.”The advice came from my dear friend Jennifer, who has a stepfamily of her own and understands that it takes time and patience to blend and bond. Months later, in a quiet moment, I told the girls as much, and let them know it’s OK to have any range of feelings about all this. But life had gotten busy, and for a few days I was swiping right on Coffee Meets Bagel without my normal due diligence. Both seemed nice, but I was having trouble keeping them... Like a puppy dog, I wanted to cuddle up to them and play, but I remembered her advice not to overwhelm them, so I pretended like this was all no big deal, and tried to find the feline inside.Here’s what to do: Your go/no-go window remains the third date, but the signals will be all new. My ex self-immolated when I joked about meeting his 6-year-old anytime before she was, say, old enough to drive. I treat my date’s offspring like feral, if adorable, animals—keeping my distance and letting them make the first move.You now have to schedule sex around a third-party: the tyke. He slow-walked the intro since it reminded him his wife was never coming back and he was alone. And whether she calls you her BF or the plumber, just roll with it. And if he really hates you, but she doesn’t dump you, be flattered: She wants to keep you around. Ask only that the menagerie be respectful, with no name-calling, biting, or mud-slinging catapults.